November 15, 2002

Long Internet Night equals Low-Esteem

Well, its 1am in the morning and I just been on the internet for about three hours. Many people wonder what I do online. How can you stand to get online every night and do the same thing over and over? And the truth is I don't just do the same thing over and over. There are millions of sites that are just waiting to be explored.

Like for tonight I suppose for the first hour, I basically checked email, answered message boards, and chatted in chat room. For the last two hours though I actually did some good and looked up some book on raising my self-esteem and confident levels. This might come as a shocker, but I really do have a low-confident level. And many people might say well, at least you know it and you can now do something about it. But I've had low self-esteem about myself since I was in grade school and it didn't help that everyone teased me. And it was really stupid too. All they called me was ugly, or dog (how original huh?) But you say it enough times and it gets to you. So I would call myself a loner back in those days. I now don't see myself as ugly, although I do think my neck is to fat; which is why I never wear turtlenecks. So I finally decided to do something about it and read up on self-confidence maybe improve some on my self-image.

When I first discovered the internet about 10 years ago. I knew one thing; I wanted to make believe I was someone else, someone that had more confidence than me. I was constantly doodling a cartoon duck with shades back then which I nicknamed Max (just because I though it was a cool name). I wanted my character to be like that really cool, weird, out-of-control, the way I wasn't in real life. Well, I sort have knew the nickname Max would have been taken so I instantly made him a Captain. And that is how my character CaptMax was created. He is the confidence online that I now want in real life. He can do anything and say anything he wants. He doesn't give a crap what anyone says, and rarely gets upset. He is passionate what he believes in, and will stand up for what he believes is right.

Over the years, he has grown a lot. And he discovered he loves to not only chat with people online, but be entertaining too. I used to keep logs of all his adventures, but a couple of years ago I lost a bunch of them due to a crash. The earlier stuff was hilarious. He's been married twice, divorced once, killed many a times, had a few funerals, a wedding ceremony, performed a wedding ceremony for someone else (hey, I was a captain I hear they can do that), been black, lesbian, gay, Jewish, god (but the #bible channel kicked him out), he's been a three year old child (and I still have that log), he's been female (that would be Xamatra), he's been a cyber-slut (and that one really freaked me out), and William Shatner. (Not all at the same time thank goodness.)

He's had a lot of fun, and will keep having fun. I made a website for him and me. I decided a long time ago. That I do not want to put a picture of myself on the site. For one I want people to use their imagination of what I look like. And it makes going to chat rooms more fun. Now I do have pictures of my pets JT and Max; and those can be found at I have many interests and tried to show that in my site.

My site is a collection of pages I have actually had in many locations; but I had so many servers holding each and every subject that I couldn't keep up. My current site is on Geocities (because it's free). Coming up with a name for my page was pretty hard. Considering the page wasn't just one subject but a collection of subjects. It had a little bit of everything. My "This Page Sucks" Page, "This Page Rulz" site, My "Omega-Alpha Guild from Diablo 1 and 2", My Star Trek pages (which always changes), a Whose Line is it Anyway? page (which I just created), and a small section of nothing but tribbles (which always got a laugh). So I decided to call my site "Everything and some tribbles" I originally had "Everything and a tribble" for a few days, but quickly realized was too much like the title of Ray Romano's book "Everything and a kite," so I quickly changed it. Hell, I can pretty much to anything, since it's only had like 600 visitors. Here check it out yourself it's at go on take a look.

Well, it's late, I'm off to bed.

CaptMax signing out.